Dysfunctional Home?

 

“Yes, you did come from a dysfunctional home.” he insisted. “The fact that you won't admit it is just proof that you are in denial.”

I shook my head in frustration. “How can you say that? You didn't even know my parents. You didn't know how they parented according to the Word of God.” I proceeded to point out that my brothers all turned out well. I couldn't say much about myself, after all, he knew me enough to know I wasn't perfect, and I knew that I hadn't been the perfect mom that I had expected to be. I had made plenty of mistakes, and if you were to ask any of my kids, I am sure they could give you examples to illustrate that statement. You can read about all that in ThePath He Chose for Me.

But the man, whose partner happened to work in the field of counselling, was insistent that most people come from dysfunctional homes. I thought about it later, not that I was willing to apply that label to our wonderful home, but I wondered whether I could find reason to complain if I wanted to.

I remember specifically, when I was about 6 or 7 years old, my mom chopped off my hair. My neck and back felt bare and exposed, where once my silky blond hair had almost totally covered them. I went up to my room, faced my strange reflection in my mirror and bawled. I continued crying hard for a long time.

Mom and Dad came up and told me to stop crying. I couldn't, of course. They insisted, but it didn't help. Dad pulled out his belt. I tried to stop crying but I couldn't. I didn't understand that it had to start from the inside. I had to stop my pity party, but that's a hard concept for an adult to learn, and I was only a child.

That incident lives on in my memory. For years I felt sorry for myself when I thought about it. For years I didn't forgive. Then I became a parent. I had not yet learned how to stop the self pity, so I had no plan of action when my child went into the same mode, crying in hysterics over some, possibly overblown, but to them, very real injustice.

I still don't know how my parents could have handled the situation differently. Could they have convinced me that I was being too focused on me? I doubt it. We so often heard about the poor starving children in Africa to which my parents had wanted go as missionaries, (see Susie's Calling) but it hadn't gotten the self out of me. In fact, it took years of work on the Lord's part (see The Path He Chose for Me) to break me of the self pity habit, and it is still something that I have to constantly guard against.

Do I hold that day's disciplinary action against my parents? Not any more. Not since I, myself, discovered the joys and sorrows of parenting. But the world is teaching us through modern psychology and philosophy that if our parents aren't perfect, we are broken and we come from dysfunctional homes. We are learning the skill of placing the blame on someone other than ourselves, and in the process, we are disregarding a very important commandment: Honor your father and your mother.

To you moms who are feeling like failures, it's OK to go to God and have a good cry. We all need to do that sometimes. But then stop and remember, since the fall of Adam and Eve, there has never been anyone, other than the Son of God, who was perfect. Remember, too, that God hand picked you to be parents to your children, knowing what flaws you would be plagued with and knowing how those flaws would ultimately help your children be able to mature into His sons and daughters. 

And instead of that dehibilitating feeling of failure, you can have peace in knowing God still has a plan that He will carry out in spite of all your imperfections. Thank You Heavenly Father!

If any of my readers have answers to the can't-stop-the-crying problem in child-rearing, we would love to hear about it, so please leave a comment. Or if you have felt frustrated over this issue please let me know.

If you are interested in reading about the process the Lord took me through to break the pity party spirit in me, please read The Path He Chose forMe. and if you are interested in hearing more about my wonderful mom and dad I would recommend my Susie Series for you or your children.