I Can and I Will if it is God's Will

 “I can't do this!” I muttered. I wanted to shout it out, but my upbringing had given me a strong aversion to use that negative phrase. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” must have been my parents favorite verse of scripture. Still, I couldn't help thinking “I can't!” out loud.

A few days earlier I had won second prize in a competition, a consultation to have my Website revamped, but all I had was a blog, not a proper website. I had tried once or twice before but had never been able to set up a website for myself.

Now was a good time to try once more, but before long I was ready to shut my laptop and walk away from Word Press for good, even though I had paid for a year's subscription. It was way different from Blogger. I couldn't get anywhere. I kept getting lost in the different settings.

Before long, I was ready to give up not only setting up a web page, but also doing anything that required any kind of brain power. Was I out of my mind to think that I could write another book? I really wanted to write Hugh's story, and he certainly was looking forward to it, but I am nearly 73 years old. My brain is obviously not as young as it used to be, and I have noticed that nasty brain fog frequently threatening to creep in and steal my clarity of thought.

But “no!!” I will not listen to that negativism, even if it is just in my mind. I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me! As long as it is His will, He will give me the grace and wisdom to do it. It will not be me, it has never been me. If He wants me to write Hugh's story, it will happen His way and in His timing. If He wants me to have an author website it will happen, otherwise there is no point in trying to set it up.

I will not fret about it. I will not beat myself up over my inability to do something that was never really one of my God-given gifts.

My consultation got postponed today because I had trouble getting on Zoom for the call. I will wait and see what the Lord wants for me in the mean time.

For the previous post see: Blew it again

Blew it Again!

 

“Oh no!” I thought desperately, “I can't believe I am doing this!”

Just that afternoon I had been smugly reflecting on how well I was handling myself. I was maturing. I was certain of it. I felt I had finally started handling situations with a lot more wisdom, and at almost seventy three years old, I figured it was about time.

But here I was, only hours after that reflection, seeing myself as that same very flawed creature I had always been.

I had wanted Hugh to come with me to town that day. I had known it would feel terribly lonely being in the town where I used to be able to stop in and see any one of my three girls, and some of my wonderful grandchildren, but now Owen Sound felt empty. True, one family had only move less than an hours drive away from us, but it seemed far because I almost never saw them, and then my oldest daughter left and went way up north, and now my youngest had taken my littlest granddaughter and had moved way down south.

While I was in town, I made the mistake of driving by their old house. Already, I could see signs of the change of ownership. The deck that used to be cluttered with the toys of a four-year-old, was now graced with beautiful cushy furniture, and in the front garden, a pair of solar lights flanked the steps. Two cars lined the driveway. I could picture the incoming family, tired from the move, but excited to make this new house their home.

I came home from town that day tired, and sad. I was glad it was raining. It would mean that Hugh probably wouldn't have been able to take a walk the short distance to see his brother or his son. He would be home to give me the hug I desperately needed.

The rain had turned to drizzle by the time I pulled in the driveway. As I entered the house, I heard Hugh on the phone to his son in Sudbury. Good! He was home! He quickly ended the conversation and I rushed to him for my hug. But then I stopped short. He had been out. He had gone out in the drizzle to have a coffee with his son.

Normally, we do our visiting with his son outside. Denis is a smoker, and because his house bears evidence of that fact, and because I am bothered by the smell of smoke, we don't usually spend time in his home.

But while I was out, Hugh had been in that home, and his clothes, hair and skin bore the evidence. The comfort I sought was shattered by the odor that infiltrated my nostrils. I broke. My self-pity habit returned in full fury, and I lashed out at my dear husband. I was ready to throw something at him. It was a totally unreasonable reaction, but I had spun out of control.

As he walked away from me and went to have a shower, I knew in my heart, that I had reacted foolishly. I thought of my little granddaughter and her words of wisdom. (see Wisdom of a Child) It took only a few short moments of talking with my Lord to calm down and to see how my lack of self control had just hurt my husband.

I reached Hugh before he entered the shower and hugged him and apologized. That day we had a good talk. Quarrels are never good, but talking and admitting our failures can be immensely healthy. God says in His word to confess you faults one to another, and as always, following the path God has set out in His word, brought healing and blessing.

That incident, yesterday, reminded me of how far I still am from the place where I know God wants me to be, but it will never make me say that It's pointless to try.  The New Testament is full of admonition to “be perfect just as your Father in Heaven is perfect,” so I continue to "press toward the mark" just as Paul did even though I can say with Paul that I am definitely not there, and even though I keep seeing how far away that mark is. I am His child, and I know He loves me, but just like any normal child, I want to be just like my Father.

And as I allow Him, He will continue to work on me, to change me into His image.

For the Previous post see: Wisdom of a Child

For the Next post see: I Can and I Will if it is God's Will

The Wisdom of a Child

 "I'm happy again now, Grandma," my littlest granddaughter assured me as she came back to the garden. "Nate told me that whenever I get upset and want to get mad, I should go up to my room until I calm down." She gave me a little smile and then said, "I'm going to pray now." And that's exactly what she proceeded to do.

The three of us had been working together, her mommy and I, frantic to get the garden weeded before putting the house up for sale, and Maddie using her shiny new shovel that I had given her, trying to help. But Maddie is more of a leader, than a follower. She is always trying to direct the project in progress, and that day was no exception. It turned into a confrontation, and Maddie's ire was rising. Suddenly she stopped and said, "I've got to go up to my room."

Her mom and I continued working for a while, and then she reappeared. She prayed a sweet, earnest prayer and then told us that we all should pray together now. This time we were quite willing to follow her direction, and we had our own little prayer meeting right there in the garden.

Later, she told me that Jesus was in her heart and that someday she was going to go to Heaven. I believe her. Her child like faith is growing, and her wisdom, some of which has been gleaned from her older brother, is helping her to be an overcomer.

Maddie is only four years old, and some may say she is too young to understand, but I can remember when I was only four and God started dealing with me. I started my Christian walk at the same age Maddie is now.

I pray that she will never loose that childlike faith.

For more stories about Maddie, see: Leaving it behind.

For the previous post, see: Unreasonable Anger

Unreasonable Anger

 I was so upset yesterday morning. It was crazy, absolutely nuts, but I couldn't seem to stop myself. Have you ever had that terrible urge to hall off and smack someone? You know your being unreasonable but the feelings won't go away. Well that's how it was when I woke up from my dream. I was ready to smack Hugh or bite him or something else equally horrid, all because of a stupid nightmare. I tried to reason with myself. I even rewrote the dream in my mind to make more sense, but it took all my willpower to brush it off.

Why was this happening? I hadn't had a dream like that for years. They had ceased after I had stopped having dairy products. But then I remembered; The day before I had yielded to the temptation to have some ice cream, the first I had had in a long time. Weirdly enough, every time I have milk products, my brain wants to celebrate by having its own pity party.

Divine Encounter Surprise

 

“That's you!” I whispered, trying not to miss a single inflection. It had to be him. Nobody else could sing exactly like he could. We had turned on the radio for the first time in almost a year. Bill Murdoc was supposed to be talking about the crazy situation between the United Church of Canada and the Massie Church, on his talk show, but that didn't seem to be happening. A song came on, and I knew that I knew that voice.

Hugh wasn't so sure until he heard his name. “That was Massie's own Hugh Neelands!” Bill announced and then went on to explain that he had requested and had been given one of Hugh's Cds by Hugh's son a few years ago, but it didn't work for him in his truck, and then he had lost it, but he had just found it the day before, and decided to play it that day. He talked a bit about the days in the past when Hugh was a hit, singing in dance bands and how he now blessed many, volunteering his services singing at nursing homes.

Now I do not believe in mere coincidence in relation to the Christian. Things don't just happen for no reason. There could only be one alternative. God must have had some purpose in mind when he nudged us to turn on the radio this morning.

The night before, I had been contemplating the book Hugh and I were preparing to put together. After I finished my own story, The Path He Chose for Me, I had suggested that we start working on one about Hugh. It would be fun just letting him reminisce, and hearing his stories.

We had already had a few of those sessions but I still had no idea how I would begin. Then last night I remembered an incident that I knew I wanted to include, and now, with the help of the divine encounter on the Bill Murdoc show, something clicked in my mind, and I realized God had just given me the key I needed to put it all together.

I can't wait to see how God is going to weave this story together to bless the people who will someday read it.